I’m trading my laptop for Stovetop.

And for the next 16 hours, the only thing I’m dishing is seconds. A little tribute for all you Gossip Girl fans 😉… but really, is there any better time than Thanksgiving (and the subsequent holidays) to bring out all the claws and knives? If you’re lucky to have a dream family with everyone laughing over Sunday dinner like the ones in made-for-tv holiday movies, I applaud you. But if you’re like 88% of Americans, according to a OnePoll study, then you’re not alone if you feel stressed when celebrating the holidays.

We’ve all heard the variations of the quote that you can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends. Well, I’m here to tell you that this is total B.S. As someone who has recently had this epiphany, yes, you can (and you should) choose who has a right to be in your life, including those who are related by blood or marriage. And this my friends, has been one of the best ways I’ve found to manage toxic family members–which is considering whether to manage them at all. Once you recognize that there isn’t a need to continue a toxic relationship, you can better determine whether a family member should be humored, tolerated, or simply removed.

If a family member isn’t sparking joy in your life but rather makes you want to double down on therapy, you’re not alone. But let’s say you haven’t cut out toxic family relationships from your life and are going to be spending time together this Thanksgiving. Are you part of the 56% who have to bite their lips during the holidays to avoid arguments? So, how to deal? In the spirit of keeping peace at the holiday table, I’m sharing my best tips I’ve learned over the years on how to manage toxic family during the holidays.

1 // Know when to say no. We tend to spread ourselves too thin when it comes to the holidays–hosting family as houseguests, prepping a big feast, saying yes to too many party invitations–to the point where we don’t actually enjoy the holiday. It’s okay to say no when you’re asked to do more than you can. (Like when family members invite themselves and their kids to stay for Thanksgiving week in your condo, expect you to cook Thanksgiving dinner, and entertain them–even though you just had a baby. True story, don’t ask how this Thanksgiving ended.)

2 // Work on new ways on how to react to toxic family members. Accept that you can’t change them, but you can have a mantra that you should keep repeating it to yourself, like “This is their issue, it’s them, not me; I will not let myself be roped into their energy.” And arm yourself with non-combative language to use once they start pressing your buttons.

3 // Have an exit strategy. If you’ve tried everything and they still won’t let up, go ahead and excuse yourself and leave – not just the room, but their place entirely.

4 // Set up boundaries with your spouse or partner. Since you are heading into this family event as a couple, agree on the limits and set a clear plan for facing that toxic family member. Listen up, this is the most important part: Stay a team. If you are not united, then this won’t work. Have frequent check-ins (try not to leave your other half alone with that toxic family member), be present, and of course, have an SOS plan.

5 // Stay for no longer than three nights, but ideally two. Plan multiple escapes over the course of your visit to maintain sanity, including faux errands and emergency work calls. Also, try to plan a group outing to somewhere public, this helps give everyone a break from being in close quarters at home–and helps keep everyone on their best behavior.

6 // Better yet, just don’t stay at their house! Book a hotel, an Airbnb, or stay at a friend’s house. There’s no law that you have to stay under one roof, even if it symbolically makes everyone feel more like family. Go to Thanksgiving dinner, but stay somewhere else so you can come and go as you please. Remember, if you stay there, you are stuck there (which I’ve learned the hard way!). Find out what time Thanksgiving dinner will be served and arrive just early enough to take your seat at the table, and then leave early if you can. Don’t be afraid to use your kids as your excuse.

7 // Even better, just don’t spend the holidays with family. You may not believe this, but you can, in fact, say, “Eff it all!” and just stay home. Sometimes it’s healthier to let everyone have their space until a better time comes for sharing one’s space, rather than getting together again just because “it’s tradition” or expected. Of course, making this decision requires letting go of caring what others might say, which can be difficult, so you just have to ignore what might pass through the family grapevine over the next few weeks.

And what will I be doing this Thanksgiving? This year I’m saying sayonara to toxic family drama and hosting Thanksgiving dinner at home for some of my husband’s foreign colleagues. Unlike last year, when we all converged in Charleston for a disastrous family reunion, this Thanksgiving my mantra is “Just Say No”–and boy, does it feel good!

Do you have toxic family members that dish up drama each year at the Thanksgiving table? How do you cope?